Honk Please

I experienced a phenomenon lately that I wanted to share. There’s a school for kids with developmental disabilities on the way to my post office. Every now and then, one of the students, who looks to be around 13 or 14 years old, stands outside in the parking lot with a caregiver who holds a large sign above her head, facing the road – “HONK PLEASE.” The first few times I went past, I didn’t understand what was going on, but then someone driving in front of me honked their horn and I saw it. The young man, usually wearing the same brown jacket and knitted cap, clasped his hands together and danced from foot to foot, a large smile on his face. I got it. He loves hearing car and truck horns, and is allowed to go outside with an aide every now and then, to try to elicit them from passersby. Since then, I am sure to honk my horn every time he’s outside. It makes him happy, which makes me feel good. Then something interesting happened. I felt a real thrill when he was there, and I was able to perform this simple, painless, totally commitment-free and anonymous action to bring him momentary joy. But I was surprised at my feeling of disappointment and “let down” when he wasn’t there. It was akin to the feeling I got when I didn’t have a letter in my mailbox at college, or when I plan to see my granddaughter and something prevents it, or when they stopped selling licorice ice cream at the Dairy Joy. It was obvious that something about cheering him was helping me.

One of the incidentals I learned in law school had nothing really to do with legal principles or the rule of law. It’s called the “Ben Franklin Effect.”  The story goes that Mr. Franklin needed the political backing of someone who was a collector of rare books, but they really didn’t like one another. Instead of giving the man a gift of such a book, as some politicians might do, hoping to curry favor with a bribe, Ben asked whether he could borrow one of his special books to read. The other man, despite not being terribly fond of Ben, nonetheless sent him the book, which Mr. Franklin read and returned promptly, with a note of thanks. Thereafter, he and the man became political allies and great friends. Franklin later wrote: “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.” Scientists believe that this effect may be due to cognitive dissonance – in other words, if you think a person sees you as someone who is generous and “nice” (because you’re willing to perform simple favors for them), you will strive to be so in subsequent encounters, to keep that image of yourself in their eyes.

In the example of my “honk please” experience, it made me feel good about myself to see that I could make someone else happy, and I felt sad when I wasn’t able to get that “high” at times when he wasn’t around. It was helping me to help him.

This brought me to the concept and practice of Tonglen Meditation. I’ve written blogs about meditation as a healing, restful self-care practice, and for centering yourself to connect with Angels and Ancestors, to find the answers to questions you’ve been asking yourself, or just to chill out from a crazy world for a while. All of this is meditation to heal yourself. Tonglen is a meditation practice to heal others. It is known as “active compassion,” and brings peace and relief from suffering to other beings, even, and perhaps especially, those we don’t know.

“Tonglen” is a Tibetan word that may be translated as “sending and taking.” It is a Buddhist practice in which the person in meditation breathes in the suffering of the world and people in it, and breaths out peace and pain relief to them. It begins, obviously, with an acknowledgement that suffering exists in the world, and that people have diminished life experiences because of it. It relies on the ability to put oneself in the place of those suffering, rather than our knee-jerk response to pain, which is to avoid it at all costs. Tonglen requests us to recognize suffering, accept it, and sit with it, putting ourselves in the place of those who are feeling it. Then we’re asked to do something that may be even more frightening for some – draw it inside of ourselves and transform it into peace, well-being and love before returning it to those who are feeling despair. It is a selfless act in one way, but in another, like Ben Franklin and my experience with honking showed, the practitioner is helped as well.

Here’s an example of how you can start to add tonglen to your meditation practice:

  1. Find a quiet place and settle into a comfortable position – sitting on a cushion or lying in bed or couch (or floor, if that’s comfortable for you). Be sure you won’t be disturbed for a while. Play soft music, dim the lights and light a scented candle, if that calms and relaxes you. Close your eyes.
  2. Begin to breathe slowly and deeply in and out, in a relaxed and easy way. Focus on that breath. Feel it coming through your nostrils – in and out. Breathe out of (but not in) your mouth if that’s more comfortable. If you find yourself being distracted by thoughts, be gentle with yourself. Gently bring yourself back to your breath, as many times as you need to do so, with compassion for yourself. Count your breaths, if that helps. Sometimes I imagine each breath as a candle, lit with busy thoughts, and each outbreath blowing out the flame to quiet and extinguish the flame of outer-awareness, to focus inward instead. This is basic mindfulness meditation – continue until you begin to feel relaxed and calm.
  3. Now practice a few breaths that are attached to intention. Breathe out a wish and intention of peace and love to others – see the light of your breath traveling the world to find those in need of comfort and peace. Imagine your in-breath as taking in darkness and pain, so that it may be transformed in your heart by the highest parts of your being. See the cycle of transformation a few times – breathing in despair, breathing out hope. Breathing in pain, breathing out well-being. Breathing in anger and hatred, breathing out love.
  4. Now begin your active compassion tonglen visualization. First picture, for example, (you may choose any type of suffering) one person who is experiencing loss and grief. It may be someone you know, or someone you know of, or a complete stranger; perhaps in a faraway country at war or under siege. Perhaps this person is suffering greatly in unjust imprisonment. Breathe in that pain as a dark, hazy mist. Once it is inside of your body, visualize it being purified, cleansed and imbued with love – transform it to something peaceful, loving and calm. This can be any way you see a cleansing force – spiritual bubbles, a fresh sunshower or gentle snowfall that washes away the darkness, a gentle breeze, or you can even toss it into a metaphysical washing machine. Use any method that dissolves the suffering and transforms it into wellness. Now breathe out the transformed pain as beautiful rays of rainbow-colored light – right into the lungs and heart of the person in your visualization. Imagine it filling that person up with love, light, peace and well-being. Imagine it healing them. See their labored breathing become regular, slow and deep. See them relaxing, closing their eyes, putting hand to heart, and feeling reborn and free.
  5. Now expand your vision and your compassionate practice to all others in the prison – those who are imprisoned, and their captors who are sick in their souls to be able to perpetrate horrifying abuses on other human beings. Breathe in the depravity of the prison and its inmates, transform it to justice, breathe it back to those who are suffering. Do this until you feel you reached all in the prison, then in the town or city in which the prison is located, then in the country, the continent, the hemisphere, the world. Each time, breathe in the pain and sorrow and injustice, and transform it to love and peace, and breathe that peace and love back to those you imagine. See them free and unfettered. Include animals in cages, or those whose existence is exploited by humans, whose food or water sources are being poisoned, or whose habitat is shrinking or being destroyed. Don’t forget to include yourself, your family (including Ancestors and Descendants) and friends, and all those who fear the circumstances of our existence, our way of life, and the future of our children and grandchildren.
  6. Expand even further by breathing in the pain of a world whose policies allow war and imprisonment, imagine all of the pain and suffering transforming into peace and joy inside your heart – cleansing it with your visualizations and intentions. Take in the imprisonment of loneliness, illness, despair and fear. Breathe in the centuries of our Ancestors who suffered injustice, discrimination, displacement, torture, rape and death in the name of religion, or greed, or megalomania. Breathe out justice, harmony, one-ness and community. Imagine the world as a family conjoined in a common purpose of mutual survival and wellness. Visualize the world at peace. Let your kind, gentle, loving heart send out healing rays of warming light and peace and justice. Feel the difference it makes, in the world and in yourself.
  7. When you feel that it’s time, come back to your meditative breathing – letting go of the visualization of the world in peaceful union for a moment, and bringing your focus back to your community, your home, your body, your breath. Breathe in the peace and love you have manifested through compassion, and breathe out the healing energy you have generated. Do this over and over until you feel ready to awaken from your meditation. Wake slowly, becoming slowly aware of your toes, fingers and surroundings. Stretch. Feel good knowing you are making a difference by clearing the world of negativity and bringing Light in its place.

Active compassion, though it may seem like you’re not “doing anything,” is a way that each and every one of us can send healing to a battered world. With a loving and empathic heart, and a true intention to bring more peace and love into the world, we will work wonders, and bring that joy and sense of well-being to ourselves in the process. One “honk” at a time.

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